FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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