She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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