i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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