so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
