ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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