the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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