remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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