GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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