All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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