Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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