I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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