Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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