The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
