You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
