You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
