Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
