Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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