I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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