I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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