So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
