I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
