Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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