Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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