Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
