Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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