First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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