I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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