I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
