You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
