Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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