I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
