First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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