i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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