hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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