Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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