I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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