I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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