She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
