I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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