i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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