the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
