dude i'm inner monologue high
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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