I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
