you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
