his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
