you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
