you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
