She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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