do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
