He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
