Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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