I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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