I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
