why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
