Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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